I love this picture. I love looking at it and remembering how happy I was. I loved being loved by this young man, my brother, Chris. He loved me well.
Today, December 12th, had it not been for his death at the age of twelve, he would have been 50 years old. These anniversary dates are always difficult, but today was especially hard as I sat trying to imagine what life would have been like had he lived. My tears this day were tears of what could have been, tears of If-only's, tears that won't change the past, but tears nonetheless.
I remember the day of his death like it was yesterday. There was no warning. One day he was here, the next day, he simply did not feel well and like that, he was gone a few weeks later. I remember the pain of loss, the pain of not getting to say goodbye. I remember the hole in my heart that I carried for so many years through self destruction, sadness and depression.
Yet today, I was overwhelmed as I tried to imagine a life without the ache or pain of searing loss in the heart of a six year old girl. I tried to imagine Chris as a 50 year old man active in my life and the lives of my children.
This day, my mother and I reminisced about Chris, her beloved son, my sweet brother. I love hearing her re-tell the story of the night he came to their home on New Years Eve as a two year old. He was so small, sharp as a tack, but quite sick with a very bad cough. That night, that New Years Eve night, in the bitter cold, he came home with no jacket or coat to call his own in the freezing cold, negative degree weather that Chicago is so well known for.
I listened to my mom's heart as we both, to this day, try to understand the why, yet hearing my mom say "God is perfect in all His ways" was the reminder I needed today, this day when I tried so hard to imagine a world with my brother in it.
As for God, his way is perfect: The word of Jehovah is tried; He is a shield unto all them that take refuge in him. 2 Samuel 22:31
Heaven is our home and one day I too will leave this world, as will my children, my husband, those that I love... we all will ... and chances are that when we leave, others will ask the same question... "why, why now, why so soon?" Well, heaven is our home, for those of us that trust in the name of Jesus Christ. So the question of Why, we may never know, but we can trust a God who is loving, a God who is near to the broken hearted, a God who loved us so much that He sent His only son to die for us, a God who works all things together for good to those who love God and are called according to his purposes. THAT God, that God who is perfect in all of His ways, can be trusted.
I miss my brother Chris, I'm sure you have people that you miss and people that your heart will always ache for. But, my prayer is that the aching of our heart would be swaddled by His loving arms, that our pain would be enfolded into the heart of our Father in heaven. I pray that the comfort that He will bring would cause us to lean on the everlasting arms of a trustworthy Father, a good, good Father.
Friends, I love you in the Lord, Mia
"Good, Good Father" - Housefires
A collection of writings from a life based on the truth that about midnight anything can happen.
As an imperfect servant of the Lord, I often feel I am fumbling my way through life, looking upward for guidance and outward to love. So, I write about it, to break up the noise in my head.