Typically when I write about my bouts with depression, it's after I have moved through and found victory. I do this mostly because I feel that when I do open up to anyone outside of my husband (who knows me so well), people don't know how to respond....or they over respond, or they direct me to some feel good article or book.... or they just want to fix me because fixing me is easier that admitting that they can do nothing for me. I don't want people to fix me, I don't want to talk it out, I just want to make it through to the next moment without crying.
Today as I write, I am in the thick of it. Unlike other times when I am in the battle, I am not hunkered down in bed, unable to move. Instead, I am simply numb. I am numb to people, numb to their complaints about trivial issues, numb to their games. I am just numb to people's nonsense. I don't have the emotional time or strength for it.
And not only to them, I am all about equal opportunity! I am numb to my own emotions, I am numb to my own concerns....except in that tiny area of my heart where there is a tingle, the tingle that cries out to the Lord to see me through, the tingle, that dares to feel, but not too much or else I may become overwhelmed, This is the tingle that allows me to function throughout the day. This tingle has a name and it's name is Hope....hope which knows that God will deliver me, yet again.
Depression hits me at the most inopportune times. When there are things to do, places to be, people to love. This shadow of depression wants me forget what I know to be true and not show up...to leave the "pulpit" empty. Well, I won't! If I have learned anything over and over again, it is that in my weakness, He is shown strong. That doesn't mean I want to run around depressed everyday so I can see how great God is. I would love to not have this battle, but what it does mean, is that If I am struggling, I will press into hope, press into truth and NOT FORGET what I know to be true.....greater is He that is in me (even when I am struggling) than he who is in the world.
Until God delivers me completely (and I know He will), I will continue to cry out to Him, my Deliverer. I know he is near even in my darkness, my loneliness and my isolation. He is as close to me as the mention of his name......CLOSER, still. He is my breath and my life. I will breath Him in and exhale.
Even now, as I sit in my spiritual and emotional hospital, He cares for me. He is my respirator and I am being revived, moment by moment, breath by breath. He knows the deep concerns of my heart and those things that I cry out to Him about in my isolation. He hears and He cares.
So, whether, you are in the hospital right now or out feeling better than ever, the truth remains that hope remains, The Lord, God hears our tender pleas, and our unspoken prayers. He knows our needs and He is near to us, He is near the brokenhearted and will bind us up.
So my fellow patient, my fellow struggler, remember what is true. Don't think that just because we are limping that we can't stand. Be quick to stand in Him, my friend. Even in the thick of it, God uses us, He can lift our head to speak truth, sing love and bring praise. It just might not be as easy as it was before. But God...
So there it is. That's where I am at. Now, if you still have the need to fix me, go ahead, but go to the Real Fixer, the one that can actually handle it. He's got me...He's got YOU!
Love you in the Lord, Mia
Have you ever gotten your "praise on" a little bit to early?
For the last three days we have had to move out of our house because our plumbing was revolting against us. I won't get too descriptive, but when you hear the gurgle gurgle in the pipes and then "stuff" comes backing up through your tub, shower and toilets, you know your in for a battle.
After the plumber came out and said "it's bad", beyond the inconvenience of not being able to use any water, was the flash of $$$, of which we don't have much. My prayers began. The prayer of "Lord, please let the damage be on the city property side of our fence and not on ours, so that we don't have to pay for it.
After the locating service went down with their camera and located the damage 1 foot over on city property, I was relived. I thanked the Lord, I rejoiced. I was reminded how God cares about all aspects of my life. I called the city and within 1 hour a city worker was at my door confirming the camera footage and scrambling to get a crew together immediately. A mere hour after that the trucks arrived, the workers came and they dug a hole 7 feet deep in the alley to get to the broken pipe.
I was estacic, I continued to thank God for the placement of the break and the quick response from the city. As time went on, I peaked over my wall and then it happened.
I got the news that they cleared the mud and discovered that the problem was on my property!
My heart sunk, my rejoicing ceased, dollar signs flashed before me…..for a moment. And in THAT moment I caught myself and reminded myself of what I know to be true. I quickly stood firm in the circumstance and the truth that he is still faithful and my rejoicing does not need to cease even when things don't go "my way."
So hear I am sitting in my house this evening, now able to run minimal amounts of water as the city cleared out the great clog of mud that was there. Tomorrow, my plumber has gathered some workers to come and take care of the rest. So hopefully, We will be functioning at 100% very soon.
But either way, I rejoice. I rejoice that we have friends that have opened their home to us while we had to move out. I rejoice that we both have gym memberships that have running water, showers and toilets that flush. I rejoice that the grocery store has public restrooms. I rejoice for sweet neighbors that come to our aid time and time again and help us take care of our dogs. I rejoice for neighbors who don't mind if I knock on their door and ask to use their bathroom. And one day soon, I will rejoice because it will all be better and in the past. But until then, I still rejoice.
So when things are not going your way, when the answers to your prayers don't come the way you had hoped, when all the crap in your life seems to be backing up (literally and figuratively) REMEMBER…God is FAITHFUL, He is FAITHFUL, STILL.
Friends, Be quick to remember, Be quick to rejoice. In any circumstance, be quick!
UPDATE: Today, I sit working and looking out my back window at what I hope will be a job well done! But, if not,God is faithful, still.
Some days I am surprised at which words in the Bible jump out at me. I shouldn't be, but there I was with these two verses from my reading lingering with me throughout the day. Why? I didn't know.....But God!
My day started off pretty well. I went in to work for a couple hours, had a coffee date with a friend and spent some sweet time on my devotions and some beautiful readings from the book of Genesis. And of all that I read, these are the verses that tugged at my heart.
“Some time later Joseph was told, “Your father is ill.” So he took his two sons Manasseh and Ephraim along with him. When Jacob was told, “Your son Joseph has come to you,” Israel (who is Jacob) rallied his strength and sat up on the bed.” ~ Genesis 48:1-2
What I didn't know, is that by the time evening came, I too would be ill, fighting off my allergies and having difficulty breathing, along with extreme fatigue and weariness of body.
Yet, even with illness creeping at my door, I had things to do. I was scheduled to lead worship that evening at a Celebrate Recovery program. I did my sound check with my voice nearing a whisper and quite gravely by the end of my rehearsal time. But God....
When the gathering began and the worship music started, we all leaped in together and I got to see God do a miracle. As I began to simply pour my heart out to Him, I felt my voice become stronger than ever, my spirit rose, my fatigue vanished, my breathing improved and my weariness ceased. I got to see Him take it all away. The Worship of the one true God, took my pain away.
Then the Lord reminded me WHY He had me ponder those verses all day. It wasn't just for me. It was for all of us in that place who needed to be reminded to Worship it out. Yes, I was tired when I started, but just as Jacob, upon hearing the good news rallied up his strength, I too, would rally up my strength to worship the one who is worthy and watch my spirit rise to speak His name.
And that is what worship does. It revives! When we are tired, we worship. When we are hurt, we worship. When we grow weary, we worship. When we feel sick of life struggles, we worship.
May we be quick in our struggles to sit up, rally all our strength and speak Worship as we fix our eyes an the author and perfecter of our faith.
I love you in the Lord, Mia
A collection of writings from a life based on the truth that about midnight anything can happen.
As an imperfect servant of the Lord, I often feel I am fumbling my way through life, looking upward for guidance and outward to love. So, I write about it, to break up the noise in my head.