There is still a voice in my head that has to speak to the little girl inside of me and remind her that she is not an accident, that she is not abandoned, that she is seen and loved.
There are times when those emotions get stirred up more than others and this past weekend was one of them. Conversations that I have never had before with people about my past... good conversations, but still difficult to understand, brought back questions that I thought I had resolved and new questions that I never imagined to ask.
As I sat with these new thoughts, I found the tears rolling down my face were really the only means to communicate my heart to the Lord. They shared with God what my words would have only fumbled through. And He heard me. He comforted me.
The pain and the sting isn't quite gone, but that's okay because through it I am able to hear a voice that is louder than my doubts. I can still hear the voice of God.
I have been struggling the last few weeks in leading a particular worship song at my events. I even told my husband "I am trashing this song because I just can't seem to get it right."
But, through this momentary trial, I know that now, as I sing this song, I will be singing it from a place that I would not have sung it before. I will be singing and leading from a place that has struggled, is struggling, yet still stands confidently in what God says about me.
"I am chosen, not forsaken, I am who He says I am"
I'm taking THAT thought captive and standing on the promises of God. "He is for me, not against me."
My friends, He is for YOU too. If you, like me, at times feel forgotten, abandoned and alone, can I just encourage you to cry out to God... scream out to Him... ask Him to remind you, by any means necessary, that you are loved.
Typically when I write about my bouts with depression, it's after I have moved through and found victory. I do this mostly because I feel that when I do open up to anyone outside of my husband (who knows me so well), people don't know how to respond....or they over respond, or they direct me to some feel good article or book.... or they just want to fix me because fixing me is easier that admitting that they can do nothing for me. I don't want people to fix me, I don't want to talk it out, I just want to make it through to the next moment without crying.
Today as I write, I am in the thick of it. Unlike other times when I am in the battle, I am not hunkered down in bed, unable to move. Instead, I am simply numb. I am numb to people, numb to their complaints about trivial issues, numb to their games. I am just numb to people's nonsense. I don't have the emotional time or strength for it.
And not only to them, I am all about equal opportunity! I am numb to my own emotions, I am numb to my own concerns....except in that tiny area of my heart where there is a tingle, the tingle that cries out to the Lord to see me through, the tingle, that dares to feel, but not too much or else I may become overwhelmed, This is the tingle that allows me to function throughout the day. This tingle has a name and it's name is Hope....hope which knows that God will deliver me, yet again.
Depression hits me at the most inopportune times. When there are things to do, places to be, people to love. This shadow of depression wants me forget what I know to be true and not show up...to leave the "pulpit" empty. Well, I won't! If I have learned anything over and over again, it is that in my weakness, He is shown strong. That doesn't mean I want to run around depressed everyday so I can see how great God is. I would love to not have this battle, but what it does mean, is that If I am struggling, I will press into hope, press into truth and NOT FORGET what I know to be true.....greater is He that is in me (even when I am struggling) than he who is in the world.
Until God delivers me completely (and I know He will), I will continue to cry out to Him, my Deliverer. I know he is near even in my darkness, my loneliness and my isolation. He is as close to me as the mention of his name......CLOSER, still. He is my breath and my life. I will breath Him in and exhale.
Even now, as I sit in my spiritual and emotional hospital, He cares for me. He is my respirator and I am being revived, moment by moment, breath by breath. He knows the deep concerns of my heart and those things that I cry out to Him about in my isolation. He hears and He cares.
So, whether, you are in the hospital right now or out feeling better than ever, the truth remains that hope remains, The Lord, God hears our tender pleas, and our unspoken prayers. He knows our needs and He is near to us, He is near the brokenhearted and will bind us up.
So my fellow patient, my fellow struggler, remember what is true. Don't think that just because we are limping that we can't stand. Be quick to stand in Him, my friend. Even in the thick of it, God uses us, He can lift our head to speak truth, sing love and bring praise. It just might not be as easy as it was before. But God...
So there it is. That's where I am at. Now, if you still have the need to fix me, go ahead, but go to the Real Fixer, the one that can actually handle it. He's got me...He's got YOU!
Love you in the Lord, Mia
Growing up we would begin our meals by saying a Common Table Prayer, "Come, Lord Jesus, be our guest and let Thy gifts to us be blest. Amen"
Then, on many occasions our family would return thanks after we ate, praying Psalm 107:1 "O give thanks unto the Lord; for He is good, for His mercy endures Forever. Amen."
I love the tradition of asking for His blessings before we eat and then thanking Him after we have been satisfied.
I invite you this Thanksgiving to join with us as we give thanks and as we return thanks to a God who is Faithful.
Great is His faithfulness!
I love you in the Love, Mia
"For this very reason, make every effort to add to your faith goodness; and to goodness, knowledge; and to knowledge, self-control; and to self-control, perseverance; and to perseverance, godliness; and to godliness, mutual affection; and to mutual affection, love." 2 Peter 1:5-7
Love....Love wraps it all up in the end. As I grow older, I have come to realize that the reason God says over and over in His Word that we are to love others and love Him is because He has to. He has to repeat it to us continually, because it may be the most difficult act (and the most important action) for us to do and live out. The stirring up of this understanding is vital in our Christian walk. Without it, we are just annoying screeching voices clanging in the wind, we are blind, we are cold.....without love, we are nothing and of no use to anyone.
As I meditate on these verses and walk through my daily devotion, it is clear to me that God loves us, not because we are worthy or easy to love, but because that is what He does, that is who He is. He calls us to that same character trait that He displays in overwhelming abundance to us.
My prayer today is this "God, let it be in my nature to love the unlovable the way you love me, simply because I can't help it. Amen."
A little prayer with a world changing impact. Pray that you will be able to love your neighbors to Jesus. Love as we have been loved, the way He first loved us. You know, He laid down his life for us and He is just asking us (He's asking me) to simply love a few more people that happen to cross our paths.
I love you in the Lord, Mia
(Again, this is one of those "I'm preaching to myself" kind of posts...can I get an AMEN!)
As I kept hearing and seeing news of the Abducted Nigerian school girls and the call to action, I caught myself thinking "But, what can I do?" It was easy to go through my day, listen to the news, watch the different social media stories and simply scroll on past it without feeling a sense of responsibility at all.
I believe my lack of sense came from an overwhelming sense of helplessness and the reality that I can't really do anything to help them anyway. Then , like He always does, the Lord reminded me that He has equipped me with the most powerful weapon in the world. PRAYER. I can pray. And I call other to pray as well.
There is power in the name of Jesus. I believe this. I know this. I believe that there is no other than by which we are saved, eternally and temporarily.
I believe that that God hears the cries of His people and can save. I believe that as we cry out in the name of Jesus, he hears and responds. Pray.....Pray....Pray!!
"So Lord in Your mercy, Hear our prayer. Lord, Save those girls and all those who are in danger there in Nigeria. May their eyes be turned to you, Jesus the one and only. Comfort the mothers, comfort the fathers, comfort the families of all who are suffering. Bring healing to Nigeria. Heal their land in the name of Jesus. Amen and Amen!!"
A collection of writings from a life based on the truth that about midnight anything can happen.
As an imperfect servant of the Lord, I often feel I am fumbling my way through life, looking upward for guidance and outward to love. So, I write about it, to break up the noise in my head.